Today was picture day at my daughter’s preschool. When I arrived to pick her up, her teacher mentioned that she had refused to have her picture taken with the photographer.
On the drive home, I asked her why. She simply said: “I didn’t want to go with the man because it was the first time I saw him.”
At three years old, she recognized that the photographer was a stranger. She decided she wasn’t comfortable with him, and she trusted that feeling. I was so proud of her!
Sure, I won’t get the cute school portrait this year. But I’ll take that trade if it means she’s learning to listen to herself and trust her instincts.
Honoring childhood autonomy is the foundation of raising kids who trust themselves and set healthy boundaries throughout their life.
Unfortunately, it is quite easy to override our kids’ autonomy and disregard their instincts and desires. This post will help you understand the importance of autonomy in childhood and learn specific ways you can help protect and support your child’s safety both online and in the world.
Protecting our children starts with unlearning
The urge to be polite is deeply ingrained in most of us. If I’m being honest, there are still times when I smile instead of speaking up, or go along with something that doesn’t feel right because I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or hurt someone’s feelings.
Most women know the politeness reflex well. We’re taught early to be agreeable and avoid making others uncomfortable, even when we’re uncomfortable ourselves.
My daughter’s firm refusal to go with a man she didn’t know really struck me because I still struggle to do what she easily did at three.
She didn’t second-guess her instincts or apologize for her decision.
My daughter just just said no.
Then she mentioned her friends all had their photos taken, which still didn’t sway her choice to honor her own safety.
We all need to channel more of my daughter’s firm commitment to our own instincts. The more we unlearn the compulsion to be “polite” at the expense of our own safety, the better we can model this for our children and support their own autonomy.
Small ways we violate childhood autonomy
As adults, we often take away kids’ autonomy without meaning to.
We photograph them constantly, post those photos online, and tag their names, schools, and milestones, usually without ever asking them how they feel about it.
Most parents only have good intentions when sharing their children online, but it reinforces the message that their image isn’t theirs to control.
This is something I think about every day in my work with victims of image-based abuse and digital exploitation.
The right to decide who captures your image, who shares it, and how it’s used doesn’t begin in adulthood. These rights start in childhood, when we teach kids that “no” is an option.
But in order to teach our kids that their “No” matters, we have to respect it in all the small ways.
Consider these common parent-child interactions where we tend to override or disregard the child’s consent:
- Sharing images online
- Telling embarrassing or funny stories about our child online or in groups of other adults
- Tickling or rough-housing
- Requiring hugs or physical contact with older adults or family members
- Finishing meals or eating specific foods
Most parents don’t set out to ignore or violate their child’s autonomy. But you can see from this list that it’s much easier to do than you might realize.
Honoring childhood autonomy makes a big impact
Was I disappointed not to get a school portrait of my three year old? Maybe a little.
But I don’t really need that photo. What I need is for her to grow up believing that her boundaries matter. I need her to know that she doesn’t owe anyone access to her image, her time, or her comfort.
Every time you stop tickling your kid when they shriek, “Stop!” (even in a playful manner), you teach them that their voice matters.
Whenever you ask your child before posting a photo of them online, you teach them that they are in control of their image.
Each time you honor your child’s desire not to hug someone, you teach them that they don’t owe anyone access to their body.
These are the lessons you can’t tell a child. They have to experience them in real life. Give them opportunities to exercise their autonomy and feel out their own boundaries.
This is how you raise confident, healthy kids who trust themselves and never sacrifice their own safety or comfort out of a need to be polite.
Support for parent or community groups
If you recognize how important childhood autonomy is and want to help educate and train members of your parent or community group––we can help!
Our firm offers in-person and virtual training to help equip your group with the knowledge and skills you need to keep your kids safe.
Click here to learn more about available consulting + training services.
